Kat Tales: A Detective Mellark Comedy
by HungryForMore74
Summary: If you loved "The Wedding," adored "We're Having a Baby," laughed at "The World According to Katniss," giggled at "Everlark Holiday Specials," and cheered "Trapped," then you will love, adore, laugh, giggle, and cheer Kat Tales. You'll learn about pears, town names, small town police, comic conventions and Prim's fear of dogs.
1. Chapter 1 Table of Contents and Intro

Table of Contents

Chapter 1 Table of Contents and Introduction

Chapter 2 Business Meeting

Chapter 3,4,5,6 TheMarriage Game

Chapter 7,8,9 Panem Tales

**Introduction **

Hi, Katniss Mellark here; I'm here to give you a primer just in case you haven't read "The Wedding," "We're Having a Baby," "The World According to Katniss," "Trapped," or "Everlark Holiday Specials," I just have one question for you, WHY NOT?

But it's okay, for now. I'll introduce you to the cast of characters. Like I said, I'm Katniss and I'm married to Peeta and we have a daughter, Lily. I'm in my early thirties...

... hah!

I'm in my early-mid thirties ...

... Katniss!

Okay, I'm thirty-five. HAPPY PRIM?

Yes, I'm very happy. Carry on Katniss.

Thanks Prim. I'm a detective with the NYPD. Peeta is a partner in a law firm. We live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. Glimmer is our nanny.

Prim is a doctor and she and Rory live close by.

Gale is my partner and after growing up hating each other, he and Madge got married last year.

Annie and Finnick are married. You can attend their nuptials and find out how they met by reading "The Wedding."

Johanna, my college roommate, lives with Clove close-by also. She is an editor at Vogue and a writer. She is the author of a children's book called "Kit Kat Kop." Clove is a bartender in Chelsea.

My parents, the Mellarks, the Hawthornes and the Undersees live where I grew up in Panem New York. It's about ninety minutes away in Orange County, which is in the Hudson Valley.

Rue and Thresh might also make an appearance. Rue is a doctor and she works with Prim.

Effie works at Vogue also as a photo-editor. Effie, Jo, Prim, Rue and I are partners in a small business. We publish "Kit Kat Kop" and a graphic novel called "Detective Ballbuster." Both inspired by me.

And finally there is Haymitch, my favorite drunk. He is a poly-sci professor at NYU, Jo's and my alma-mater. He is also an ex-hippie and professional protestor.

So sit back and enjoy Kat Tales.


	2. Chapter 2 Business Meeting

**Another Business Meeting**

"I don't even know why I attend these meetings. I never get to contribute anything." I felt sorry for myself and I wanted to whine. "I mean, I am Vice-President and the inspiration for this business venture of ours ... ya know." Johanna gave me a broken, half-smile. "Okay, sweetie." Johanna threw her arm around me. "I tell you what. You give the presentation."

"Oh, I don't know if I'm ready." She squeezed my arm. "Of course you are. We had this idea together. You described it to Samantha to illustrate and you helped me with the dialogue. You can do it." I grabbed the rough layouts and marched into the conference room with a new-found confidence.

"Okay Johanna, you go first." Effie said.

I stood up. "I'll be doing the presentation."

Effie gave me a quizzical look. "Johanna, are you sure?"

Before she answered I said, "I'll be doing the presentation."

Effie sat up straight in her chair and straightened her suit. "Okay, if you insist. Go ahead."

"Thank you Effie. This is the rough layout for the new book. Johanna and I came up with a new character. Samantha illustrated it and we introduce her here."

"What is it?" Prim asked.

"It's called a mockingjay."

Prim and Rue sat and stared at the bird. "What the hell is a mockingjay?" Rue asked.

"You see it's a cross between a blue jay and a mockingbird."

"Aren't there enough birds out there? Why'd you have to make one up?" Prim said.

I frowned when they didn't enthusiastically embrace my new creature. "Well, because it's cute."

"Okay, besides the fact that you made it up. This means less space for The Little Duck." Prim said.

"And more importantly, less space for The Sparrow." Rue added.

"Excuse me Rue. You can't possibly think that The Sparrow deserves more space than The Little Duck?" Prim said.

"I not only think it. I can prove it."

"How can you possibly prove that you little midget!"

Rue stood up and went eye to eye with Prim. "You wanna take this outside?" Rue said.

"Any day Dwarfinstein." Rue was now eye to chest with Doctor Hawthorne.

While The Duck and The Sparrow went at it, I turned to Jo. "You knew they would react like that, didn't you?" Jo held her hand to her chest. "Yes I mean you." Jo diverted her eyes. "I'll get you back for this Mason."

"Okay ladies, simmer down. I'm sure there's enough room for ducks, sparrows, and any other genetically engineered mutations Katniss can think up in that warped brain of her's." Prim and Rue sat back down never taking their eyes off the other. "Johanna, you're creative; you work it out."

"Hey, what do you mean ..." I said.

"Next on the agenda." Effie interrupted.

"Wait a minute." I protested.

"Like I said, next on the agenda." I crossed my arms and sat low in my seat. "I ran into Messalla, who told me that his boss, Cressida, was speaking to Fulvia Cardew, that her boss, Plutarch Heavensbee is starting a new game show. He is looking for married couples to be contestants so I signed up Katniss and Peeta." Effie said.

I woke up from my pout when my heart almost exploded out of my chest. "What? Are you insane? Peeta would never agree to that!" That sly smile on Effie's face meant something was up. "What did you do Effie?"

She leaned back in her seat and explained. "I knew you'd try to get out of this by saying Peeta wouldn't go for it so I called him before the meeting and got his okay. Congratulations Mrs. Mellark, you're a contestant on _The Marriage Game_."

"Wait one minute! How could you ... "

"Katniss, be quiet for a minute. How come you suggested Katniss and Peeta and not me and Rory?" Prim asked.

Effie looked up at the ceiling and nodded. "You know Prim, you might be on to something. How 'bout it if all four couples knew each other? We could add Annie and Finnick, and Madge and Gale."

"Now that pink dye has finally seeped into that conniving little brain of yours. Of course, Finnick would go for it, but Gale ... NO WAY!" I said.

"We'll see. We'll see." Effie said. "Prim, you have something to add?"

"Yeah, what's with the weird names those TV people have. I mean, Plutarch, Cressida, Fulvia, Messalla. Why don't they have normal names like Primrose and Katniss." Prim said.

"And Rue and Effie." Rue added.

Effie, deep in thought, sat without saying a word, then, "How in God's name would I know?"

"Maybe they are stage names." Rue said and Prim nodded.

"Excuse me," Jo said, "why didn't you say my name was normal?"

Prim, taken aback by Jo's question, couldn't for the life of her, figure out why Jo would object. "Because it's a boy's name."

"HEY! What did I tell you about that Hawthorne?" Jo said. Now this was a fair fight. Jo was only two inches shorter than Prim, but outweighed her by a couple of ounces.

"Okay, sit down and put your claws away." Effie ordered.

"Um, Effie I have another question." Jo said.

You could see the exasperation on Effie's face. "What now Jo?"

"How come you didn't think of me and Clove? Are you homophobic or something?" Jo asked.

"Yeah, and how come you didn't think of me and Thresh? Are you a racist?"

"Well Jo, while I admire your interest in LGBTQ&A...WXYZ issues and Rue, your interest in racial equality is also admirable; I must point out something to you."

"What?" They asked.

Effie got up and leaned on the desk. "YOU'RE NOT MARRIED!"

"So what you're saying is that you're a singlist."

"Shut up Jo." Effie said.

"Katniss, help me out!" Jo pleaded.

"You're on your own Mason."

Effie turned her attention elsewhere. "Rue, I believe you have something you want to say."

Rue stood up and addressed the group. "Thank you Effie. I volunteer at a geriatric facility."

Prim interrupted. "You know, a place for old people."

"Thank you Prim. Moving right along. I think Katniss, being a pseudo-local-semi-celebrity that she is, should visit the home. It would be great publicity.

"Excellent idea Rue. You and Katniss get together and work out the old person's home visit." Effie collected her papers. "My, don't we look like a happy bunch." Jo and I continued to glare at each other; Rue and Prim were no better. "Look, this is what we'll do. Rue, The Sparrow will get some extra pages in the next book. Prim, you're gonna be on television. Katniss, the mockingjay is cute."

The three of us smiled, but that left Jo all alone. "What about me?"

"I ain't got nottin' Jo." It seemed that Jo struck out all night. "I don't know about you four, but it's cocktail hour." Effie said.

Prim perked right up. "OhmiGod, you're right. Let's go Rue, we're meeting Rory and Thresh at Bourbon Street in a few minutes." Prim and Rue flew out of the conference room.

Jo gave me a broken smile, "you want a drink? I'll buy."

"You're buying all night, Mason. And it's going to be a long night. A very long night."


	3. Chapter 3 The Marriage Game Part 1

**The Marriage Game Part 1**

Katniss and Peeta squinted their eyes when they entered the television studio. They had both been on TV before, but Katniss' heart ran fast while Peeta's remained calm. This was also nothing new for Finnick, he had been in the public eye for years, but all the others had different reactions. Annie clasped down on Finnick's hand. Madge seemed overwhelmed while Gale just stared at his feet. Rory cocked his head to one side and examined the cameras, while Prim ... "Caesar! So nice to see you again." She walked over to Caesar with her head held high and her hand stretched out.

"And very good to see you again Doctor Hawthorne." Caesar took Prim's hand and kissed it. "It's been too long, you must be on the radio show again." Prim blinked when the lights reflected off of Caesar's teeth. They looked like diamonds in a cave.

"Oh I'd love to Caesar. Let me introduce my husband, Rory." Prim turned to an empty space. Her eyes darted from left to right searching for her wayward mate. "Oh Rory ... Oh Rory honey ... HEY RORY!" Rory snapped to attention and like Prim, Caesar shook his hand, sans the kiss.

"Before I say hello to Annie and Finnick why don't you introduce me to this lovely couple." Madge felt her face heat up as Caesar approached.

"Oh yeah, these are my in-laws, Gale and Madge."

"Very nice to meet you Mrs. Hawthorne. I've had the pleasure of meeting your father, but shame on him for never bringing his lovely daughter with him."

Madge covered her mouth and giggled when Caesar kissed her hand. "And ... it's a pleasure to meet you too, Caesar." Gale raised one eyebrow when Madge's voice cracked like a thirteen year old boy's.

"And Detective Hawthorne, I hope we can get you on the radio one day. You must have plenty of stories, especially with a partner like Detective Ballbuster." They both laughed as Katniss narrowed her eyes at Gale.

"Beautiful Annie, so good to see you again." Annie smiled. She's had her hand kissed by Caesar plenty of times before. "And Finnick, I was in the Blue Finn on Thursday; what's the possibility of having my regular table moved a little more towards the middle of the room." Annie was almost blinded when Caesar and Finnick smiled at the same time.

"Well Caesar, let's see how well Annie and I do on today's show." They squeezed each other's hand and shared a hardy laugh.

"Okay, it's time to take your seats. We're on in a few minutes." The stage manager said.

All the couples sat in their assigned booths. Makeup people scurried around for final touch ups. Technicians attached the mics and adjusted the lights.

"... 3, 2,1..."

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to tonight's episode of The Marriage Game! And here's our host ... Caesar Flickerman!" Claudius Templesmith's voice boomed through the studio..

Caesar Flickerman sauntered through the curtain to his podium. Peeta whispered to Katniss about how well Caesar's blue suit coördinated well with his new hair color.

"Thank you Claudius. And do we have a special show for you tonight. Four couples that not only know each other, but are all best friends." The audience cheered and Caesar had to simmer them down.

"Couple number one; she is a New York City detective and he's one of the city's top lawyers. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce, Peeta and Katniss Mellark." Peeta and Katniss held hands, waved, and smiled to a cheering audience.

"Excuse me Caesar." The camera turned to Prim.

"Yes Primrose."

"Why are Katniss and Peeta number one? We haven't started yet."

Caesar flashed those pearly whites of his and winked for the camera. "Um, well Primrose, ah, they aren't number one in the standings, they're just in the first booth."

"Oh, so they are really, the couple in the left hand booth. Okay. Carry on."

"Our next couple, in the booth next to the left hand booth, keeps it in the family. She is a neurosurgeon at New York Presbyterian Hospital and he is a partner in one of the city's top accounting firms. Here's Rory and Primrose Hawthorne." Rory waved and Prim held up both arms liked she just scored a touchdown.

"Next, she is a political advisor to Congressman Undersee and he is also a New York City detective. Here's Gale and Madge Hawthorne." A smile and a wave from the couple.

"Last but not least; she's a history professor at New York University and he is the owner of the Blue Finn restaurant. Here's Finnick and Annie O'Dair."

* * *

><p>Jo and Clove watched the taping from a room backstage. "I'm really excited. I've never been to a television studio before." Clove said. Jo looked off into the distance and chewed the inside of her cheek. "Hey, what's wrong?" She still didn't answer Clove. She jabbed Jo in the side.<p>

"Hey, what was that for?"

"You're not paying attention. What's wrong?"

"This just sucks. This is the suckiest of the sucky sucks. I can't tell you how much this sucks. It just sucks that we couldn't be on the show."

"Jo, we're not married. And if you want to get ..." Jo's eyes got wide. "... married ..."

She bit her lip; she knew she went too far. "Hey, how was work today?"

"Chicken." Clove pulled her girlfriend close and kissed her.

"Say, why don't you guys play along with them for fun and see how well you do," Fulvia said.

Clove cocked her head and said, "please, let's do it."

Jo smiled and nodded. "Okay. That'd be nice."

"The guys are going off. Go into the other room and I'll write my answers down." Clove said.

"Why do I have to go off with the men?"

Clove batted her baby brown eyes. "Well, I'm cute and adorable."

"And I'm not cute?"

Clove lowered her head and looked up at Jo. "No, you're the most beautiful woman I know."

Jo relaxed and kissed Clove's forehead. "Thank you."

Clove watched Jo leave the room. When the door closed she said. "I hope they ask about Jo's worst trait."

"Why, what'll you put?" Fulvia asked.

"Gullible."

* * *

><p><strong>Question 1<strong>

"Welcome back gentlemen. Your wives have their answers on the cards on their laps. Here's your first question. Peeta, what did Katniss write down as your favorite color?" Caesar asked.

"Oh Caesar, I was hoping this would be a little challenging. It's orange." Katniss flashed a broad smile. She flipped the card, _ORANGE._

"Really, orange. Like our mutual friend Effie Trinket's hair?" Caesar asked.

Katniss and Peeta nodded in unison. "Exactly like Effie's hair." Katniss said.

"Very good. 100 points for the Mellarks. Now, Rory, what did Primrose write for your favorite color?"

"Hmmm, I'm not sure. Let's see. I'd say brown."

Prim leaned back and glared at Rory. "BROWN! Really! BROWN! That's not a good color! Why would you pick BROWN?"

"Well, it's the color of chocolate. I like chocolate." Rory said. "What did you say?"

Prim turned her card over, _RUFOUS_.

Rory looked at the card ... and then looked at it again. "Rufous? What the hell color is that?" Rory asked.

"It's reddish-brown or brownish-red, as of rust or oxidised iron," Prim said. "It's the color of our dining room walls. You were there when we picked it out."

"I may have been there, but you picked it out. And why didn't you say reddish-brown?"

"Because it's RUFOUS!"

"But Prim ..."

"Whatever!" She flipped the card over her head.

"So Rory, you have a sweet tooth?" Caesar asked.

Prim spoke up before Rory could get a word out. "Oh God yeah. He leaves candy wrappers all over the apartment. It's like living with my sister again." Katniss' eyes got wide. "And you'll be as fat as she was if you don't cut back."

Katniss now narrowed her eyes. "Hey that's not nice!"

"Relax Katniss, I said WAS!"

"Okay, moving right along," Caesar said. "Gale, what did your lovely bride write?"

"Brown." Gale said. "A perfectly good color." Gale leaned over and stared at Rory and Prim. "It reminds me of the woods."

Madge smiled and turned her card over, _BROWN_. "Yay!" Madge said and clapped her hands.

"Very good. 100 points to Gale and Madge. Now Finnick, what did Annie write down?"

"Oh, I'm not sure. It could be the green of Annie's eyes, or the red of her hair, or the ..." Finnick took Annie's hand and pulled her close.

"Um, Finnick ... excuse me, Finnick. Your answer please." Finnick ignored Caesar and he just stared into Annie's eyes.

"HEY YOU TWO! If you're going to act like this, get a room!" Prim yelled out.

"Oh, oh, yes. My answer. Green, green."

Annie pouted and turned her card over, _BLUE_. "I was thinking of you swimming in the ocean." Annie said.

"That's okay beautiful."

"Oh I'm sorry guys." Caesar said.

"That's okay Caesar. I was mesmerized by her eyes."

"The score after question number one is: Katniss and Peeta, 100 points; Primrose and Rory, nothing yet; Madge and Gale, 100 points; Annie and Finnick, nothing yet."

* * *

><p>"Okay Jo, what do you say?" Clove asked.<p>

"I'd say black. It makes me think of your hair and how you dress."

Clove turned over her card, _BLACK._ They high-fived. "100 points for us. We'll show those people which couple really knows each other best." Jo looked over to Clove staring at her. "What are you staring at?"

"You're really sexy when you rant like that."

"Slow down there Clove. We have a game to win."

"Sorry you're right."


	4. Chapter 4 The Marriage Game Part 2

**Question 2 **

"Okay, here's your second question. Primrose, you and Rory are first this time."

"It's about time Caesar." Prim said.

"Now Rory, what did Primrose write your favorite condiment is?"

"That's easy. Trojan."

"Rory, I think you misunderstood the question. I said condiment not ..." Prim, without listening, cut Caesar off.

"TROJAN! TROJAN! That's stupid! Oh please. All you had to say is catsup or mustard and we'd have a 50/50 shot, but no, you say TROJAN! What the hell is Trojan anyway? Some kind of weirdo Worcestershire sauce or something? Oh Christ! Trojan, oy vey."

* * *

><p>"The score after question number two is: Katniss and Peeta, 100 points; Primrose and Rory, nothing yet; Madge and Gale, 100 points; Annie and Finnick, nothing yet."<p>

* * *

><p>"Jo, what did you say?" Clove asked.<p>

"Poacher's Relish." Jo said.

"Yay! Two for two." They high-fived again.

Effie and Haymitch entered the studio. "Hi Effie, Professor Wine-o." Jo smirked at her old college professor.

"Good to see you too Miss Mason, and I see you brought your better half." Clove returned Haymitch's smile.

"Jo, how much have we missed?" Effie asked.

"Not much, they just finished question 2." Jo said. "Effie, you got a mention."

"Oh that's nice. I'll see it later."

* * *

><p><strong>Question 3<strong>

"Gale, you and Madge are up first. Gale, besides popcorn, what is your favorite thing to nibble on at the movies?"

"Um, that's a hard one. There really isn't anything special. I'll go with Twizzlers."

Madge frowned and turned over her card. _HIS FINGERNAILS._

"My fingernails!" Gale objected. "Why would you say that?"

"Oh my God Gale! Look at these things." Madge grabbed Gale's hands and held them up. The camera zoomed in. "LOOK! LOOK! I should dip your fingertips in gasoline to keep you from biting them."

"Oh Madge, they are stubby. You should have Octavia work on them." Caesar said.

"That's a good idea. First thing tomorrow you're getting a mani-pedi." Katniss almost fell out of her booth laughing.

"Good idea Madge. Now to you Finnick, besides popcorn, what is your favorite thing to nibble on at the movies?"

"Well, candy, popcorn, and gum are all delicious, but not as delicious as my Annie. So I'm saying her beautiful breasts."

"Her what?" Caesar leaned in. "Did you say Annie's breasts?" Finnick nodded yes. "Right in the theater?" He nodded again. "Okay, Annie, let's see what you wrote." Annie turned over her card. _MY BOOBS._ "Correct! Well I'll be! 100 points to the O'Dairs!"

"The score after question number three is: Katniss and Peeta, 100 points; Primrose and Rory, nothing yet; Madge and Gale, 100 points; Annie and Finnick, 100 points."

* * *

><p>Jo said, "Raisinettes." Clove showed her answer, <em>RAISINETTES.<em> "Oh you remember."

"Ever since our first movie together." They kissed.

The head of programming, Plutarch Havensbee, walked in. "Hello Plutarch," Fulvia greeted her boss.

"Hello Fulvia." Plutarch Havenbee resembled a bear. His voice boomed and filled the room. "How is the show going?"

"It will be an interesting episode."

"I don't want interesting Fulvia. I want ratings."

* * *

><p><strong>Question 4<strong>

"Finnick, what did your lovely wife answer to this, most of the electricity in our home flows from the blank to the blank." Caesar asked.

"Oh my Caesar, that might be the easiest one tonight." Annie blushed as she and Finnick shared a stolen glance. "She wrote, from me to her." Annie turned over her card, _ANNIE TO FINNICK._

"Very good, 100 points to the O'Dairs." Caesar said. "Finnick, I have to ask you ..." Finnick and Annie weren't paying attention to their host. They held hands and looked into each other's green eyes. "Excuse me guys, Finnick, Annie."

"HEY! Someone hose Finnick down." All eyes turned to Prim. "He's literally a dog in heat!" Prim yelled.

"I'm sorry Prim, but I think you mean figuratively." Madge said.

Prim glared at Madge. "Who appointed you grammar police?"

"It's my fault Prim," Annie said. "I gave her _Grammar Hints a Day Toilet Paper_ for her birthday."

"I think of you every time I sit on my toilet Annie." Madge said. "But Prim, heat refers to a female, not a boy dog."

"Madge is right Prim, he's not in heat." Annie said. "He's just horny."

"Peeta, what did Katniss say to this, most of the electricity in our home flows from the blank to the blank."

"Well, Katniss has a set of lights she uses to put on her makeup. She hides it under the vanity."

Katniss's mouth fell open. "Katniss, why do you hide the lights under your vanity?"

"Well, my husband is a very green person. So all we have are those curly light bulbs. They distort all the colors in the room. When I look in the mirror all I see is the blue people from Avatar."

Peeta shrugged his shoulders, "just doing our part in saving the planet."

"At the expense of me looking like a clown."

Katniss turned over her card, _THE JACUZZI._ "I use it a lot."

Peeta nodded his head. "Presently, as in the past, she's very tense."

"Do expect her to be like that in the future?"

"I absolutely expect her to be tense in the future."

"Rory, what did Prim say to this, most of the electricity in our home flows from the blank to the blank." Caesar said.

"Oh God, I don't know. She has so many electric things in our apartment I'm surprised our meter doesn't take off and fly away." Prim scrunched her nose and mimicked Rory. "I'm going to say the spotlights Prim has lighting up her porcelain doll collection."

"She has a large doll collection?" Caesar asked.

"Yup, and they all look like they're staring at me. They're really creepy."

"Prim, your answer is."

Prim crossed her arms her nostrils flared. "What do you mean my dolls are creepy? You take it back!"

"I can't take it back, I said it on TV."

"It's taped, now take it back."

"Okay, have it your way, the microwave." Prim threw her arms in the air.

"Prim, Rory said microwave, now let's see your card." She flipped it over, _THE SPOTLIGHTS ON MY DOLLS._

Rory threw his hands over his face. "Why did you demand I take back my answer?"

"Not your answer! Just calling my dolls creepy!"

"Gale, most of the electricity in our home flows from the blank to the blank." Caesar asked.

"Okay, from the plug to vibrator." Gale said.

Madge rolled her eyes and then shook her head. "Gale, why would you say that?" She turned over her card and it said, _DRYER_. "You gotta know my vibrator runs on batteries."

Gale held his face in his hands and rubbed his temples. "First, the dryer is gas, not electric. Second, I was talking about the vibrating massage chair, not your, er, toy."

"Oh, sorry, nevermind." Madge said.

Everyone looked over at Peeta laughing. "Peeta, what's so funny?" Caesar asked.

"Oh, I was just thinking of the box of fifty "D" cell batteries Katniss just had delivered." Katniss covered her face with her cards and slunk low in her seat.

Prim leaned over to talk to Katniss. "Kat, I can't believe you use a vibrator that needs batteries. You should get one that is rechargeable." Katniss sunk even lower. "It can sit right there on your nightstand; ready for use at a moments notice. And having it visible will keep your husband in line. He'll see his competition every night when he goes to bed."

"Now that I think of it, I should have said vibrator like Gale." Rory said.

"The score at half-time: Katniss and Peeta, 100 points; Primrose and Rory, nothing yet; Madge and Gale, 100 points; Annie and Finnick, 200 points."

* * *

><p>"My computer." Jo said.<p>

"Ahhhhh! We are like one mind!" Clove and Jo kissed.

"Fulvia."

"Yes Plutarch."

"Where did you find these loons?"

"Cressida and Effie Trinket found them."

"What's an Effie Trinket?"

* * *

><p><strong>Half-time<strong>

"The score so far: Katniss and Peeta, 100 points; Primrose and Rory, nothing yet; Madge and Gale, 100 points; Annie and Finnick, 200 points. So it's time to get to know our contestants. Annie and Finnick O'Dair. You guys own the Blue Finn restaurant. So how is the restaurant business Finnick?"

"Couldn't be better Caesar. We recently opened a chain of family style restaurants called Dirty Dick's Crab House. If you go to our website you can download coupons." Finnick then flashed his million dollar smile and winked.

"Oh thank you Finnick. I'm sure our viewers will enjoy dinner or lunch at Dirty Dick's Crab House." Caesar said. The free publicity pleased Finnick.

"Madge and Gale, why don't you tell us what you have been up to."

Madge took the lead. "Well Caesar, the first person to send me an email," Madge held up her email address on a card, "will receive my services as political advisor for their campaign. So whether you're running for the school board or commissioner of the local sewer district write me."

"Um, thank you Madge. Now Prim and Rory ..."

"And the first person to contact us will have Rory set up their bookkeeping system." Prim said.

Rory tugged Prim's sleeve. "I don't do bookkeeping Prim."

"Okay, Rory will do their income tax returns."

"Prim, I don't do income taxes."

"Oh Christ Rory, you're an accountant, what the hell do you do at work?"

"Well, I ..."

"Forget it Rory. I will do a neuroendoscopy, extended bifrontal craniotomy, or even a translabyrinthine craniotomy to the first person to contact me for free." Prim turned her head and winked at the camera.

"Well, well. Thank you Prim. Now Katniss and Peeta, why don't you bring us up to date on what's going on in your life."

"Thank you Caesar. We're fine and the baby's fine. The first person to contact me gets ..." Katniss paused and looked at Peeta. Peeta shook his head. Katniss smiled and nodded her's. "... Peeta will represent them in their arraignment and bail hearing. Only New York and New Jersey of course."

"Of course." Caesar said.

"Now for the second half of our show."


	5. Chapter 5 The Marriage Game Part 3

**Question 5**

"Katniss, you're up first." Katniss sat up straight in her seat and waited for Caesar to ask. "What article of clothing do you buy for your husband?"

Katniss bit her lip and rocked back and forth. "Let's see, let's see. I'd have to say sexy lingerie."

"Really, sexy lingerie. Could you give us an example." Caesar asked.

"Sure, I just bought a satin baby doll from Victoria's Secret. He went wild."

"Now tell us Peeta, did it work?" Peeta nodded his head.

"Katniss, your little boy-toy is cute when he blushes." Prim yelled.

Katniss glared at her big-mouthed little sister. "Hey, watch it Little Duck, before I let out a few things that'll turn you red." Prim leaned back in her seat.

"Now, now ladies. Peeta, turn over your card." Peeta turned over his card, _SEXY LINGERIE._ Katniss bounced up and down, threw her arms around Peeta and kissed him.

"Very good. 100 points to the Mellarks. Primrose, you're next. What article of clothing do you buy for your husband?" Caesar asked.

"Sexy underwear." Prim said.

"Oh Prim, you Everdeen girls are a little risque aren't you?" Katniss smiled and looked away from the camera as the audience hooted and hollered. "Now settle down everybody. Prim, tell me, did it work?"

"Oh, they sure did Caesar. I couldn't keep my hands off him when he came into our bedroom. They were tiger-striped and fit him perfectly." Prim said. Rory could not have sunk any lower in his seat. Gale couldn't contain himself; he burst out laughing so hard he fell out of his seat.

Rory turned over his card, _SOCKS._ "Socks! Why would you say socks?"

"I couldn't think of anything. I don't think you've ever bought me any cloths." Rory said.

"Of course I did! I bought you sexy underwear! Jeez Rory!"

"Madge, what article of clothing do you buy for Gale?"

"Oh my God, this is impossible, I buy all his clothes." Gale took a deep breathe and his gaze wandered around the studio. "I buy his socks, his underwear, his..."

"Oh Madge, what kind of underwear do you buy Gale?"

"Boxers, boxers, and only boxers." Gale covered his face and thought, TMI, TMI, TMI.

"Why boxers Madge? To keep himself cool?"

"Yup, he likes to be cool down there."

"But Madge," Caesar winked at Madge, "wouldn't it be better if he was hot down there?"

"You don't have to tell me that Caesar." Gale had never been that shade of red. "Hmmm, what article of clothing? Oh I got it, I bought him his suit."

Gale turned over his card, _BOXERS_.

"Aw, too bad guys. Now Annie, what did Finnick say?"

"Oh this is going to be hard. I don't think I ever bought any clothes for Finnick. As a matter of fact he usually picks out my outfits."

"Really, he picks out your outfits Annie?"

"He sure does, look at him, he looks like he just walked off the cover of GQ." Annie tapped her cheek with her finger. "I'll say a tie."

Finnick turned over his card, HANDKERCHIEF. "Oh that's right, when we went to Met Gala last year."

"Oh I remember that, they were very nice handkerchiefs."

"The score after question number five is: Katniss and Peeta, 200 points; Primrose and Rory, nothing yet; Madge and Gale, 100 points; Annie and Finnick, 200 points."

* * *

><p>"Oh Jo that's hard, since we've been living together you've bought all my clothes. I'm going to say my little black dress." Jo nodded yes and turned over her card. "Yup, one mind.<p>

* * *

><p>Plutarch towered over Effie. "So you brought these couples to us. What made you think they would be a good fit for the show?"<p>

"Well, I'm, um, ah ..."

"Relax Trinket, they're perfect."

* * *

><p><strong>Question 6<strong>

"Primrose, what did Rory say to this, name something that your wife hits when it's not working properly."

Rory answered immediately, "Me." Prim bounced and clapped before kissing Rory.

"Prim, you seem happy, turnover your card." Prim turned it over, _HIM. _"Very good, 100 points for you guys. Now Madge, what did Gale say?"

"I'm going to say the dryer, it's always making noise." Gale nodded, but he pursed his lips. He turned over his card, _ME_.

"Oh Gale, why would you say that?" She pulled her arm back and punched Gale in the upper arm.

"Jesus Christ Madge, you just hit me." Madge rolled her eyes. "And why, because I wasn't working right."

"Finnick, what does Annie hit when it's not working properly?"

"I normally wouldn't think of Annie hitting anything, but just last week she threw her Ipod across the room."

Annie scrunched her nose, "I forgot about that." She turned her card over, _IPHONE_.

Finnick looked at the card and then again. "When did you do that?"

"Just before we came out. No bars!"

"Peeta, your answer." Caesar asked.

"I'm not sure, Katniss has quite a temper." Katniss leaned back and lifted one eyebrow when she stared at her husband. "But she smacks some of the kitchen appliances pretty often." She rolled her eyes. "I'm going to say the can opener. She broke it off its mount last time."

"Peeta, I'm glad you didn't say you, considering her nickname is Detective Ballbuster." Katniss sighed and dropped her head. "Let's see what Katniss said."

She turned over her card, _OLD CAR. _"I still have my old car upstate. It's twenty years old."

"If it's that old, why don't you get rid of it?"

Katniss shrugged and Prim yelled out, "Katniss and Peeta #$%^& around for the first time in that car!"

"The score after question number six is: Katniss and Peeta, 200 points; Primrose and Rory, 100 points; Madge and Gale, 100 points; Annie and Finnick, 200 points."

* * *

><p>"Jo bit the inside of her lip, she couldn't picture her Clove hitting anything. "Um, you hit your tablet once." Clove turned her card over, <em>TABLET<em>. "Wow, I had a hard time thinking what the second sweetest woman in the world might hit."

"Second?"

"Yeah Clove, remember there is Annie."

"Yup, you're right. But it seems she has problems with some of her gadgets."

* * *

><p>"Plutarch, we're producing a children's cartoon based on a book Effie's company published." Fulvia said.<p>

Plutarch widened his eyes and scratched his chin when he got up. "So we already have a relationship with these people?"

"Yes Plutarch."

"Well, Fulvia, You'll have your work cut out for you. Get with Effie Trinket and see what else you can do with them."

* * *

><p><strong>Question 7<strong>

"Now Madge, you're up first. Where is the strangest place you two made whoopee?"

Madge squirmed in her seat. Her face got flushed and she remained silent. Caesar prompted her. "Madge, what do you think Gale said?"

"Well, I kinda know what he'd say, but it's really embarrassing."

Gale put his arm around his bride. He pulled her in and hugged her. "I think we're both thinking of the same time. So, go ahead."

Madge looked confused when she looked up at Gale, "are you sure?"

"Yeah, go ahead."

"Okay, well, my butt."

Gale released his bride and put his face in his hands. "What's wrong? What did you write?"

"Gale, um, Gale. Why don't you show us what you wrote." Caesar said. Gale turned over his card, _INTERROGATION ROOM_.

Madge nodded her head. "Oh yeah, you're right. That was really creepy. They have one of those mirrors where they can see you, but you can't see them. I got the feeling people were watching us."

"We were!" Katniss yelled out.

"Oh God I wish I was dead," Gale said.

"So do I dear, but it's 'Oh God I wish I _were_ dead'. You forgot you're in the subjunctive."

"More toilet paper Madge?" Caesar asked.

"Yup, just last week."

"Annie," Caesar said, "here's your last question. Ready?" Annie nodded yes. "Where is the strangest place you two made whoopee? Now think hard. What did Finnick answer for that."

Annie tapped her finger on her cheek and stared at the ceiling. She nodded and smiled. "Caesar, my answer is the green room."

"Is that a special room in your house?"

"No Caesar, isn't that what you call the room where we wait to come on stage?"

Caesar raised his eyebrows. "You mean backstage?" Annie nodded yes. "When?"

"We got here early. Right on the couch."

"EWE!" Prim screamed out. "I sat on that couch!"

"Oh relax Prim!" Annie screamed back. "I didn't whine when you defiled Finnick's desk!" Prim knew she was beat on this one.

"Finnick, let's see what you said." Finnick turned over his card. _LIMO. _

"Sorry Annie, but I was thinking of the ride over her."

"Oh sorry guys. No points this time. Katniss, you're up."

Katniss slapped her hands on her lap. "I'm ready Caesar."

"Here it goes; where is the strangest place you two made whoopee?"

"Okay, here it goes. We were walking through Goose Pond Park," Peeta's eyes got wide, "and we started to feel very romantic." Peeta raised one eyebrow, "we started kissing and snuck behind this large bush." Peeta put his chin in his hand and nodded, "well, just as we were, um, doing it, this large swan attacked us. It scared us so much we ran from behind the bush. We were half dressed and scared some old couple. I thought I gave the old man a heart attack. It was so funny." Katniss put her hand on Peeta's knee. "Remember that honey?"

"No, no I don't."

"Oh come on Peeta, how could you forget that?"

"Well, I wasn't there."

"Sure you were. It was ... oh yeah that's right. Now who was I with? Hmmm."

Caesar interrupted Katniss' thought pattern, "your answer Peeta." Peeta turned his card over, _ELEVATOR._

Katniss looked at the card. "Oh yeah. That was funny also."_  
><em>

"Prim, what did Rory say to where was the strangest place you've made whoopee?"

"Behind the panda enclosure at the National Zoo," Prim said. "It really freaked out the pandas."

"Rory, your answer please." IN A DIORAMA AT THE MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY.

"Rory," Caesar said, "to be honest with you they both sound strange. Why did you choose the museum?"

Rory shivered, "I hated those cavemen staring at us. Thay gave me the creeps."

Prim shook her head, "the cavemen are stuffed Rory. The pandas were alive!"

"But the pandas are just animals. Those cavemen were people!"

"Alright, whatever. At least the pandas got something out of it."

"What do you mean Primrose?" Caesar asked.

"After the pandas saw us they got busy and four months later little Ding Dong, Ming Mong, Bong Bong or whatever it's called was born."

"Well, thank you Prim for that little bit of information."

"The score after question number seven is: Katniss and Peeta, 200 points; Primrose and Rory, 100 points; Madge and Gale, 100 points; Annie and Finnick, 200 points."

* * *

><p>"So what do you think, the strangest place we've made love?" Jo asked Clove.<p>

"Oh that's easy. The lifeboat on the Staten Island Ferry."

"Yeah, that was pretty strange. The seas were rough that day, I remember hitting my head on the side of the boat." Jo rubbed her head. Clove leaned over and kissed the spot where Jo had her boo-boo. "Yeah, we're seven for seven!"

* * *

><p>"I have an idea Plutarch." Fulvia said. "How 'bout something like Big Brother. We lock them in a house together." Plutarch nodded. "Or better yet, something like Survivor. We drop them on some island."<p>

"Those are excellent ideas Fulvia. But I don't want something that someone is voted off. I want to keep all these crazy people together."

"Got it." Fulvia took out her note pad. "Keep crazy people together.


	6. Chapter 6 The Marriage Game Part 4

**Question 8**

"So ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your last question?" All the contestants clapped and yelled yes. "Now Annie,what did Finnick write for this question; what do you have to do to get your husband's attention during the Super Bowl?"

Annie thought for just for a second when a broad smile appeared on her face. "Annie, your answer?"

"I dress up as a sexy cheerleader."

Finnick smiled, his green eyes seemed to sparkle. "I do like that outfit."

"Finnick, turn over your card." Caesar said. _FRENCH MAID._

Annie pressed her lips tight and then lowered her head. "Oh Finnick, you know I wear that outfit during the French Open."

Finnick shook his head, "you're right as usual Annie." He put his arm around her and pulled her close. "What would I do without you." They kissed.

"Well, it looks like the O'Dair's will finish with 200 points." Caesar said. The audience applauded. "Peeta, you're next."

"Hmm, that's hard. We're always together when we watch the Super Bowl. I'd say, be annoying." Katniss' mouth opened wide and she put her hands on her hips. "The one time I could remember she wanted my attention she marched in front of the TV, talked loud, made noise in the kitchen. You know, generally be annoying."

"Is that true Katniss? Were you annoying?"

Katniss took a deep breath and shook her head."Absolutely not Caesar. I remember that year. My team was behind. I tried to engage Peeta in pleasant conversation, that's all."

"Huh! When Katniss want's attention she doesn't stop at pleasant conversation." Katniss glared at Peeta. "You came close to dropping an arm full of dishes that day."

"How would you know! You didn't take your eye off the TV for the rest of the game."

"How long did this little act by Katniss last Peeta?" Caesar asked.

"Til I collected on my bet."

"How did you collect on your bet Peeta?"

"Well we ..."

Katniss interrupted Peeta. "NEVER MIND THAT!"

"Katniss and Peeta, you also finish with 200 points." Caesar said.

"Primrose, what did Rory say; what do you have to do to get your husband's attention during the Super Bowl?"

Prim rolled her eyes. "I'd do what every woman should do; I march right in and take that remote and turn that TV off!" Half the audience stood up and cheered.

"Well Primrose, it seems what you said hit a nerve with our female audience members."

The cheering got louder as Prim stood up and egged them on. "Isn't that right ladies?" The women flew into a full-fledged frenzy. "You go right in there and hit that off button!" Prim finally sat after Caesar calmed the audience down.

"Well, well, well ... you are one rabble-rouser, aren't you Primrose?" Caesar said.

"You bet I am!"

"So Rory,what did you write?" Rory turned his card over, SHE TURNS THE TV OFF.

Prim looked at the card and bounced up and down, "YAY!" She grabbed Rory's tie and pulled Rory to her. She planted a hard kiss on her husband.

"Very good, the Hawthornes finish with 200 points, tied with the O'Dairs and the Mellarks. Now, let's see how well Madge and Gale will do with this question. Madge, what do you do to get Gale's attention during the Super Bowl?"

Madge didn't hesitate. "I just strip right down and stand in front of the television."

"What happened next Madge?" Caesar asked.

"He stood there with his mouth wide open."

"So Gale, I guess you enjoyed the show?"

Gale squeezed his eyes closed and nodded his head. "Yup sure did. And so did Rory and a couple of my friends."

"I didn't even know they were there. Left my glasses in the bedroom."

"Gale, what did you put down?" Gale turned his card over, _STRIPS._

"Wow, we have a four-way tie. We've never had that before. We'll see who wins the grand prize after these commercials." Caesar said before the studio lights dimmed. "What do we do?" The stage manager just shrugged.

"The score after question number seven is: Katniss and Peeta, 200 points; Primrose and Rory, 200 points; Madge and Gale, 200 points; Annie and Finnick, 200 points."

* * *

><p>"So Clove, what do you say?" Jo asked.<p>

"I have just one four letter word for that." Clove leaned in and kissed Jo. Jo dropped the card to the floor; it fell to the floor face-up; it said _KISS_.

* * *

><p>"Plutarch, what do you want to do about the tie? A sudden death playoff?" Fulvia asked.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>Finale<strong>

Plutarch sat in his chair as Fulvia, the producer, and the director waited for an answer. "Nope, no playoff. Give them all the grand prize."

Fulvia's eyes got wide and then one eyebrow went up. "Plutarch, are you sure. That'll be pretty expensive."

"Not compared to the ratings potential of this bunch." His three underlings nodded and walked off to enforce their boss' edict.

* * *

><p>"Welcome back to the Marriage Game!" Claudius Templesmith boomed. "And here's our host, Caesar Flickerman!"<p>

Caesar flashed his patented smile as all the cameras focused on him. "Welcome back ladies and gentlemen. While we were away our judges came to a decision. All four of our couples will receive the grand prize." The audience clapped and hooted while the four couples applauded politely. Dinner and show were nice, but nothing to go head over heels about. "You are all going to spend a week in Disney World!"

"YES! YES! YES!" Prim almost jumped out of her skin.

Caesar raised his eyebrows and tried to contain his laughter. "Primrose seems to be happy, but what is she doing?"

"That's her Happy Jig, and Disney makes her happy." Katniss said.

Prim could barely contain herself. "When we get there, the first thing I'm going to do is get a princess makeover."

"So am I, and I'm going to be Cinderella!" Madge screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Prim glared at Madge and was about to vault over the wall of the booth. "You can't be Cinderella! I'M CINDERELLA!"

"Tough, I called it!" Madge followed that with a stuck-out tongue.

Rory pulled Prim back down to earth. He whispered to her. "Prim, Sleeping Beauty is Princess Aurora. She was born a princess; she didn't have to marry someone to be a princess like Cinderella had to do."

Prim's eyes lit up and she raised her hand, "I decided to go as Sleeping Beauty." She sat straight up and was very proud of herself.

Peeta leaned into Katniss, "How come you're not choosing your favorite princess?"

"I'm Belle, no one ever chooses Belle."

"Very good Primrose. Annie, out of curiosity, who are you going to be?"

Annie waved her red hair and said, "Ariel, the Little Mermaid, of course."

"And you Katniss?"

"Belle, the beauty."

"Hah!"

"Prim, that's not nice!"

"Sorry Katniss, it was just a reflex."

* * *

><p>"DISNEY! DISNEY!" Jo stormed across the room and confronted Plutarch. "I can't believe you're sending them to DISNEY! They all sucked at the game. They all got just twenty-five percent of the questions correct. They know squat about each other." Jo dragged Clove over to her. "We got all eight questions correct and we get nothing! Oh this just sucks even more than it sucked before!" Jo crossed her arms and plopped on the sofa.<p>

Plutarch took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a second, and nodded. "I just have one question; who the hell are you?"

"I'm the writer of that children's book you're adapting, Katniss', Prim's, and Effie's business partner, and all-around pissed off woman."

"You're quite a firebrand aren't you?"

"Well that's what you get when you don't let me and my girlfriend on the show!"

"Fulvia, why didn't we let these two on the show. We welcome same-sex couples of course."

"They aren't married." Fulvia said.

"Well, when we have a show called The POSSSL-Q Show you can be on it."

"What the hell is POSSSL-Q?" Jo asked.

"People Of the Same Sex Sharing Living Quarters." Clove rolled her eyes and sighed. "Tell you what, you two can go to Disney also."

"Yay!" Clove bounced up and down on the couch. "I haven't been there since I was twelve."

"Well, who are you going as little girl?" Plutarch asked.

"I don't know, Jo who's left?"

Jo consulted her phone. "Um, Snow White, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Fa Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel, and Merida."

"I'll take Snow White if you take Merida. She's a real firebrand." Clove grinned and bit Jo's nose.

"Deal."

Plutarch looked over to a pouting Effie, "You want to go to Disney also?" Effie nodded her head. "Okay, you can go too. They'll need a chaperone anyway." Effie smiled. "And you can bring rummy also."

Haymitch perked up, "Someone say something?'


	7. Chapter 7 Panem Tales Part I

**Panem Tales Part I**

We lived in a very nice apartment on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. We had two bedrooms; Lily's was on the small side. There was a galley kitchen, a dining area and a living room. It was small, but it suited us fine. Less to keep clean. As a bonus there was an attached studio for our nanny, Glimmer.

But it was nice to get away once in a while. So this weekend, instead of spending our time in the giant backyard we call Central Park, we're going back home to Panem, and staying with my parents in the house I grew up in. Our modest Victorian house was similar to the older village homes that filled the block. The first floor had a good size eat-in kitchen, a dining room and a living room. All the bedrooms were on the second floor. Prim's and mine were the two smallest. I didn't mind the size, because it meant I didn't have to share it with Prim. It did get a little backed up at the bathroom in the morning.

It was a beautiful day to drive home and see the family. We left early on Friday so Peeta wouldn't have to drive in traffic and get white knuckles. Lily will be wide awake when we see the grandparents and I could relax on the ride up. We could have driven through Paramus and seen one strip mall after another. Or we could have taken the Thruway and been treated to views of tenements, factories and warehouses. My loving husband, Peeta, chose the Palisades Parkway. The leaves on the trees that lined the parkway are starting to turn color. To our right was the Hudson River flowing towards the City. To our left, trees blocked civilization.

After a ninety minute drive, Twelfth Street came into view and we pulled into the driveway. "What's with the yellow caution tape?" Peeta asked about the cordoned off area in front of the house around the small garden.

"I don't know. I'll find out what this is about. Can you bring Lily in?" Peeta agreed, and I ran up the stairs.

"Mom, Dad!"

"In here dear." My mom said.

I bolted into the kitchen. "Hi, what happened outside mom?"

"Hello Katniss." She kissed me on the cheek.

"Well, what's with the tape?" She leaned over the sink and brought her hand to her mouth. "Mom, what happened? Tell me." Her silence scared me. It could have been someone trying to break in. Or maybe an injured, or even dead, person found there. "Mom! What is it!"

My mother wiped her face and took a deep breath. "Well, it happened again."

"What!"

"Prim's bush was dug up."

"Prim's what was what?"

"Prim's bush was dug up! The evening primrose bush that has grown in that spot since the day she was born is gone, again. Your father better find out who's doing this."

It didn't take long for my heart rate to come back to normal. "Jesus H. Christ mom. You scared me half to death. And besides, every bush in that spot dies anyway. The ground is cursed or it's filled with dog piss or something." I said as I took off my coat. "What do you expect Daddy to do about it anyway?"

"He was a member of the force. He knows all the local cops. I want him to catch whoever is doing this." Peeta walked in with Lily. "Hello Peeta. How's my little granddaughter?"

"Hi Rose." He handed Lily to Grandma. "Kat, I'll be outside with your Dad." I wondered what they were doing together; it didn't matter. Just as long as they were spending some time together.

"What do you guys have planned?" I asked Peeta.

"He's having me photograph the crime scene."

I gave my mother the look. "MOM! I can't believe you dragged Peeta into this."

"And Rory too. They're both part of the family now."

Peeta leaned in. "Don't worry. I'm sure it won't take long." He kissed my frown.

* * *

><p>"Thanks boys for helping me with this." My father had a pained look on his face. He sensed how important this was to my mother. "Peeta. Take about a dozen photos. After that, Rory, pour the plaster." Both Peeta and Rory wore concern on their faces about how serious my father was taking this. The last thing they wanted to do was spend the weekend on a wild bush hunt.<p>

* * *

><p>"Pull into CVS please. I have to pick up something." Gale said. CVS is the giant drug store chain that bought my grandparents village drug store and gave them a very, very, very comfortable retirement. Madge drove the car into the parking lot and let Gale out in front of the store.<p>

"Do me a favor and pick up a package of pads for me." Gale, like most men, recoiled at the thought of shopping for women's hygiene products. "Oh Gale, stop it. Just buy them." Gale turned and walked away. Madge dialed her phone. "Hi Kat, what time are you getting up here?... Oh you're already here ... Yeah, we'll see you later ..." knock ... knock ... knock ... Standing next to the car was one of Panem's Finest. She lowered the window. "Yes officer?"

"Move the car ma'am. You're in a fire zone."

Madge heard the officer's command. But for some reason it didn't compute. "I'm just waiting for my husband, Detective Hawthorne."

"Oh, your husband is a detective." Madge smiled and nodded. "Well then he won't have any problem detecting you in the lot." The officer's stern expression didn't seem to have any effect on Madge.

"You know my father's Congressman Undersee."

The officer seemed impressed. "Wow, I've heard of him, but I didn't vote for him. So move the car ... now!"

* * *

><p>"Mom, I have a question. You have the evening primrose for Prim. Rose bushes for yourself, obviously. Lilies for grandma and Lily. Violets for Aunt Vi and even daisies for that third cousin twice removed." My mom gave an agreeing nod. "How come there isn't any katniss?"<p>

"Oh that's easy, katniss grows in mud. It's really just a weed dear." Talk about getting hit in the gut. "You forgot the irises in the side yard for old Aunt Iris and the willow out back for your cousin, the actress. You know, the one that looks just like Prim. Remember everyone used to think they were sisters."

"Yes Mom, I remember Willow who looks just like Prim. But I want to know why did you name me after a weed?"

"Ask your father dear. It was his idea. Something about his favorite place to shoot ducks. When is Johanna and her little lesbian friend getting here?"

I almost spit out my drink. "Oh Christ Mom! Don't talk like that! That's insensitive!"

"She's Johanna's friend, right?" I nodded yes. "She's a lesbian, right?" I nodded again. "And she's about five foot three, right?"

"Yes mother, you're correct on all counts. But you wouldn't call Jo that."

My mother put down the tray of food and rolled her eyes at me. "Of course, I wouldn't, Johanna is as tall as you are."

"Mom, just call her Clove."

"I don't call people by their nicknames."

"You call Glimmer, Glimmer."

"That's not her nickname, it's her stage name. Now take these drinks to the boys."

I picked up the tray of pear juice and walked outside. My dad had his own CSI team working like busy little beavers. "How you guys doin'?"

"Not bad, we've got a plaster cast of the paw prints." Rory said.

Rory held up the plaster for me to get a better look. "They're huge. Are you sure it was a dog and not a pony?"

My father examined the plaster cast. "You're right Kit-Kat. It is big. Doctor Buchanan is going to look at it." Doctor Elmer Buchanan had been the area's vet for the past ... oh God I don't know how long ... like forever. He's treated all four Buttercups that we've had. Once Prim glommed onto a name she never let it go.

"He's still alive?" I asked.

"Yup, he'll be here soon. There he is now." My father pointed up the block.

Walking up the block was an elderly man in a walker. It took him another fifteen minutes and two more rounds of pear juice before he reached the house. "I can't believe you made him walk here Daddy. Peeta would have picked him up."

My dad shrugged. "I offered but he said he wanted to walk. Morning exercises."

"GOOD MORNING ELMER!" He waved hello. "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME PEAR JUICE?" He nodded yes. "Katniss, pour a glass of juice. Rory, get a chair for Doctor Buchanan." Doctor Buchanan sat in the lawn chair, drank his juice and fanned himself. In his white linen suit he looked like the old patriarch of a southern plantation overseeing the planting season. "HOW ARE YOU ELMER?" He nodded. He gestured to Rory for the plaster cast. He took out his second pair of glasses and examined it closely. He gave it back to Rory and tried to stand. Peeta and Rory helped him up.

He stood upright in his walker and said, "That's Mr. Tuttle's dolt of a Great Dane, Bosco. Stupidest dog I've ever seen. Got his head stuck once in a vase chasing a fly." I tried not to laugh, but I couldn't hold it in. I just pictured a dog the size of a pony running around with a vase on his head. "Then, the fire department had to pull his head out of a sewer tube where he chased a squirrel." I broke out laughing harder. "Last year I had to pull a dozen porcupine quills out of his snout. That dim-witted mutt is always puttin' his nose where it doesn't belong. Why doesn't he stick to smelling his own shit like other dogs." He started to walk off.

"THANKS ELMER! CAN WE DRIVE YOU HOME?" My dad said.

"Nope, mornin' exercises."

My father took the plaster cast and marched towards the car. "Gentlemen, our first solid lead. Let's go." Peeta's head dropped like a lead balloon, but he followed my father. Well, at least they're spending time together.


	8. Chapter 8 Panem Tales Part II

**Panem Rales: Part II**

"Let's see. Mini, maxi, wings, no wings, scented, Always, Carefree, Kotex ... This is stupid." Gale contemplated his situation. If he bought the wrong one Madge would just send him back. "I could always send her back to get them herself."

He surprised the woman next to him when he laughed for no reason. "Sorry, I just had a really funny thought." Who was Gale kidding. If he didn't bring her what she needed he'd find himself on the couch tonight.

"Let's see. One of these and one of these. I'll get one of this one and this one. I better get a shopping cart." Gale loaded up the cart with a three months assortment of pads, tampons, Motrin, Summer's Eve, and something for yeast. "What the hell is a yeast infection?" He caught the attention of the shopper next to him. "Sorry, I was just ..." She scurried away.

"That's a lot of stuff." The cashier commented.

"Yeah, well, you know ..." She chuckled. "Oh shit! I forgot to get what I came in here for."

When he left the store he saw the car, but not Madge. He knew something was up when he spotted a cop next to the car. "Excuse me." The officer turned around. "My wife was in this car. Did you see her?" The officer smiled, nodded and handed Gale the keys.

* * *

><p>As Sheriff Frank and his two deputies left to chase down leads in the crime of the century I went back inside. I picked up a file and went through it. "Mom, what are these?" I knew the answer already, but I asked anyway.<p>

"Those are job announcements."

"Looking for a part-time job Mom?" My mom didn't answer; she looked away from me. "Let's see what's in here. Panem Police Department. Orange County Sheriff's Department. Orange County District Attorney. Mom, are you trying to tell me something?"

"Katniss, I was talking to the police chief and he has both full and part-time positions open. You can start immediately."

I opened the Panem Press to the Police Blotter. "Let's see what happened last week. DUI on Main Street. DUI on the state highway. Speeding. Drug possession in the park. The Andersens got arrested for beating each other up. Speeding. Murphey's had a bar fight. All very interesting. Oh here's the highlight, '_Patrol responded to Mrs. O'Hara's for a snake. Rubber snake returned to Timmy next door'_." My mother glared at me. That little hint would kill two birds with one stone. I would be out of the NYPD and we'd be closer to home. "But wow, the fire department had some week. They had a structure, no, two structure fires. A major motor vehicle accident. And a mountain search and rescue in the woods. If we moved back home I should join the fire department."

"DON'T YOU DARE! It's bad enough that your father joined them!"

"WHAT! Daddy joined the vollies. That traitor!"

"Oh relax, he and Vick joined the fire police. They direct traffic at accident scenes. But it gets him out of the house on their drill nights for a couple of beers."

"That's very nice Mommy, but I'm very happy at work and I like where we're living."

knock ... knock ... knock ... I ran for the door. "Hey there! Welcome" I kissed and hugged Jo and Clove.

"Hey Kat. Thanks for the invitation." It's nice that they decided to spend the weekend in the country with us.

"Come on in." I opened the screen door. "Mom, they're here."

My mother came bounding out of the kitchen. "Johanna, how nice to see you again." She opened her arms wide and pulled Jo in with a big hug.

"And Mom, you remember Jo's girlfriend, Chloe." She took them both by the arms and led them to the kitchen.

"Of course I do. How could I forget such a pretty girl with a beautiful name like that." Clove blushed.

"Katniss, I need to do a little shopping. Is there a Wal-Mart around?" Clove asked.

"There's a Wal Mart in North SoPa." My mother said.

"What's North SoPa?" Jo asked.

My mom answered. "That's North South Panem." Of course, it is.

"Oh it's nice that Panem has stores close by."

My mother looked up at Jo. "It's not in Panem. It's in North South Panem."

"Um, what's the difference?" Jo asked.

My mother could not have said it any simpler. "We live in Panem, Wal Mart is in North South Panem." Jo just scratched her head. I knew exactly what my mother was thinking, 'City folk.'

"Let me show you the map dear." My mother opened the map and laid it on the table. "This is the town of Panem. We live here, in the village of Panem." She pointed to the middle of the map.

"There's a town... and a village?" Jo asked.

My mother nodded. "And here is South Panem."

"If it's in Panem why do they call it South Panem?"

"It's in the TOWN of Panem but it's south of the VILLAGE of Panem. Got it?"

"Kinda."

"Here, let me show you again." Oh God, an interesting geography lesson. "Here's Panem Village. All our small stores are in Central Panem. South of us is South Panem, where all the big stores are. Except Lowes, of course, they're in North Panem. They're more expensive than Home Depot and there's more money in North Panem. But if you want really old money you have to go to East Panem. That's where all the mansions are. Some are run down though."

Jo pointed to a spot on the map. "Don't tell me, West Panem?"

"Noooo, that's Panem Heights. West Panem is over here. Panem Heights is one of those she-she neighborhoods where all the city people build their McMansions and then complain about the smell of cow manure. What the hell did they expect! It's the country!"

"What's in West Panem?" Clove asked.

"Mostly trailer parks like Panem Gardens, Panem Estates and Panem Acres, small houses and a lab.

My heart jumped. "Oh my God Mom, is there a meth lab nearby?"

My mom dropped what she was doing and looked directly at me. "Who said anything about a meth lab. Jeez Katniss. No, Pfizer Pharmaceuticals opened a new plant over the old town dump." It's nice to know that my Advil will be packaged over a dump.

"Does Panem Heights look out over a valley or something?" My mom shook her head. "Nope, it's on perfectly flat land. Idiots. The area that has great views is Panem Hills. It looks over Panem Valley. The valley gets flooded a lot when the snow melts on Mount Panem."

Clove smiled. "Mount Panem, that sounds nice."

"It is, Mount Panem has skiing and Panem Ridge has some good hiking trails." I said.

Clove pointed to a lake. "Kat, is this where you went ice skating?"

My mother nodded. "Yes, that's Lake Panem. We call the Panemites that live around there Lakers. You know because they live around the lake."

"Thanks Rose." My Mom was glad that Jo got it.

"It's a damned lake that's fed by Panem Creek. If you follow that north you'll find the meth lab. But it's in the next town."

"How did Panem get it's name Mrs. Everdeen?" Ah, a history lesson.

"Well Chloe, the Panem family left their home in search of more fertile farming land when the wheel broke on their wagon as they drove up the Post Road. So they pitched a tent and stayed."

"How did the farm pan out?"

"The land was worse than the stuff they just came from. So they tried to mine."

"What?" Clove was excited. "Silver? Gold? Diamonds?"

"No. Nothing like that. Coal. But that didn't succeed either. So they packed up and left. Never to be heard from again. But the name stuck."

* * *

><p>knock ... knock ... knock ... An elderly, elegant woman opened the door. "Yes, may I help you?"<p>

"Hello Mrs. Tuttle, I'm Frank Everdeen from Twelfth Street. I think your dog has been digging up our yard."

"Oh that can't be. I only walk Buffy on a leash." A little froo-froo dog with a pink collar come out of the other room. "See, here she is."

growl … growl After she growled she clamped her jaw around Rory's ankle. "Hey! Stop it!"

"Buffy! Buffy! Let go!"

"Get it off! Get it off!" Rory lifted his leg and shook it. The dog hung from his ankle and it swung around as Rory shook his leg.

"Come on Buffy, let go of the good man's leg." Mrs. Tuttle grabbed the dog and pulled it off Rory's ankle ripping his sock as along the way. "Oh I'm sorry about your sock young man." Rory massaged his injured pride.

"Mrs. Tuttle, we're looking for the Great Dane, Bosco."

Mrs. Tuttle turned around and walked back into the house. "Bosco was my late husband's dog. He was so big. He got into everything. One time he got into our pantry and got his head stuck in the pickle jar. The whole house smelled like pickle juice. He ran around the house knocking over everything. Look what he did to this imitation priceless Ming Vase." She held up the vase with the obvious cracks in it.

"Mrs. Tuttle, where is Bosco?"

"I'm not sure. I asked the animal shelter to find it a home and they did."

"Thank you Mrs. Tuttle." growl ... growl ... Rory recoiled and ducked behind Peeta "Buffy, be good. You're scaring the young man. Bye boys."

* * *

><p>"Excuse me. My wife Madge Hawthorne is here."<p>

The police dispatcher buzzed Gale in. "The Chief is in his office. He's expecting you"

"Thanks." Gale walked through the tiny police station. knock ... knock ... knock ... "Chief?"

"Detective Hawthorne, come on in." Gale shook hands with the older gentleman. He reminded Gale of his father. A big man whose uniform didn't quite fit him anymore. "Let's see if we can work this out." The chief said.


	9. Chapter 11 Panem Tales Part III

**Panem Tales: Part III**

My mother was preparing something on the butcher block island in our kitchen. "What are you making Mrs. Everdeen?" Clove asked.

"Pear pie." My Mom responded. "Pears are very popular in Panem."

"Really? Why?"

Prim, being the resident pear expert of the family, was ready for this question. "The pear is the official fruit of Panem. The Popular Panem Pear is known around the world as being the world's most delicious pear." Clove and Johanna sat like good students eager for knowledge. "Panem is known as the pear capitol of the world. And just like Warwick has Applefest, and Pine Island has The Onion Festival, we have the Pear Bash every fall. Main Street is closed off and vendors come in to sell their pear themed wares. There is pear pie eating contests and Panemites all make their favorite pear meals for the Pear Bash."

"Really?" Jo's question trailed off with a high pitch. "I don't believe that."

Mom came over. "It's true girls. Then at night, people retreat back to their streets for Popular Panem Pear parties. Mount Panem is full of pear orchards. The Popular Panem Pear pickers pick pears from dawn to dusk. When I was a teenager we had time off from school to work in the orchards. I remember my classmates Pat, Paul and Peeta during harvest season. Their Popular Panem Pear picking was praiseworthy. They specialized in the premium Popular Panem Pear."

Jo thought about this for a second. "Are you trying to say that Pat's, Paul's and Peeta's picking of the premium Popular Panem Pear was prodigious?"

Mom nodded her head. "But things are different today. The Popular Panem Pear picking is done by migrant workers. Mainly from Panama and Paraguay."

"How 'bout Peru?"

"Probably. On the weekends people flock to the orchards for pear picking fun. There's nothing like a day of picking the Popular Panem Pears and picnicking."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, that's a real scam. You provide the labor of picking your own pears and they charge you more than store bought."

Prim and my mother glared at me like I just insulted the Pope. "Katniss Lily, you watch your tongue. Don't disparage the Popular Panem Pear!"

"Sorry mom, but I'm not as crazy about pears as I used to be."

She poured me a glass of juice. "Isn't pear juice your favorite?"

"Yes mother."

She slid a piece of Gingersnap-Pear Cheesecake to me. "Isn't this your favorite dessert?"

"Yes mother."

She opened her personal pear themed cookbook. "Wasn't Pear and Bacon Grilled Cheese your favorite sandwich growing up?"

"Yes mother."

She flipped a few more pages. "And don't you just love Arugula and Pear Salad With Maple Vinaigrette."

All I could do is shake my head. "Yes Mother."

* * *

><p>"Hi, I'm Angela. Are you thinking of adopting a dog or a cat?" There were two rows of caged dogs. They had room to roam but they looked so sad. My dad bent down and let the dog sniff him through the cage bars. "We have all kinds of dogs. All shapes and sizes."<p>

"Actually, we're looking for a dog that has already been adopted. He was a big great dane called Bosco."

The shelter worker just shook her head. "Oh my God. He was a nightmare. Howled all the time. One time we took him out of his cage he dragged one of the volunteers, Kimberly, halfway down the block before he stopped."

"That sounds like Bosco."

"Then he got his head stuck between the fence uprights. Took our maintenance people two hours to free him." She opened the file drawer. "He was adopted by Reverend Dalton. He lives on Tenth Street."

"Thank you Angela."

* * *

><p>"Come on, you can go."<p>

Madge looked up from the bench she was sentenced to.

"Why?" Madge stayed on the bench. "I'm not getting up until I get an apology." Gale glared at Madge. He knew they had to get out of there before she got herself into more trouble. "I didn't ask you to get me off."

Gale had to reach deep inside to keep from blowing up. He leaned over and whispered in Madge's ear. "You asked me to get you off when you dropped my name." Madge met Gale's eyes with an equal glare.

* * *

><p>"Mrs. Everdeen, I didn't know there were so many ways to have pears." Clove said.<p>

My mother pulled down a 6 inch thick loose leaf binder titled _1982 Popular Panem Pear Recipes_ and dropped it on the table. "You don't know the half of it."

Jo and Clove perused the recipes and the photos that were mixed in. "What are these pictures of?"

My mom looked at them and bit her lip. "Oh that was the year a group jumped from an airplane in their pearachutes. One poor guy went off course and landed in the packing plant. It took the hospital months to bend him back into shape."

"Mom, you're right, I do love the Popular Panem Pear, but I don't have the same enthusiasm for The Pear Bash as you guys." I said.

Prim laid down another photo album. There was an antique photo of Grandma Lil, my great Aunt Rose, my Aunt Vi, my mother and Prim. "When I was fifteen I was Princess Pear just like almost all the women in the family." There was a young Prim with a pale green gown. She had a long scepter that was capped off with a golden pear. "I ruled over the Pear Bash and all its subjects for the length of the Pear Bash. That's me taking the Princess Pear Pledge."

"The Princess Pear Pledge?" Jo asked.

Prim stood up and raised her right hand. "'I, state your name, do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the job of Princess Pear of Panem, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect and defend the Popular Panem Pear and its juicy goodness.' That pledge is just as important as the Popular Panem Pear Prayer."

"I know I'll regret this, but how does that go?" Jo was a glutton for punishment.

"We beseech Thee, Almighty God, in Thy goodness, to pour down Thy blessing on these trees which Thou hast permitted to grow with due sunshine and rain, and make them to grow into mature Popular Panem Pears. Grant to Thy people that they may always give thanks to Thee for Thy Popular Panem Pears, and fill the hungry with Popular Panem Pears which the fruitful earth produces so that the poor, needy and supermarket buyers may praise their juicy goodness."

"You were very cute Prim." Clove said.

"She was a nightmare that ruled over the Pear Bash patrons with an iron fist. She was the first and only Pear Princess to be overthrown in a coup d'etat." Prim narrowed her eyes at me. "It was bloodless at first but the Panem Police had to intervene for Prim's own safety."

She crossed her arms, tapped her foot and glared at me. "Katniss is just jealous that she was never chosen as Princess Pear."

"That's not true Prim."

"Yes it is Katniss." Prim said while Clove pointed to a picture.

"Katniss, is this you?"

I looked at the photo. "Oh crap Mom. You still have this picture?"

Prim grinned. "Yup, our Kit-Kat was the Grand Pear." The Grand Pear was not that grand. Where as the Princess Pear wears a pale green gown, the Grand Pear wears a pale green pear costume.

"Why'd they pick you Kat?" Clove asked while I shrugged.

"I'll tell you why, Katniss was the only one the suit fit. Her body was definitely pear shaped that year." Thanks Prim. As much as I'd like to smack her upside the head I had to agree with her.

"Kat, what on your head?" Clove asked.

"It's my stem. Of course."

"Who are those guys next to you in all the pictures?"

I looked at the photo again. "Oh, those were my pear handlers. You know, just in case some kids tipped me over. Falling over was like being a turtle stuck on it's back. It was impossible to turn back over."

"Katniss was the first girl in family history not to be chosen Princess Pear."

Jo and Clove turned to me expecting an answer. "They picked Madge. It's was all politics."

Prim shook her head. "No, tell them what really happened."

I know I'll regret this, but if I don't tell the story Prim will. "Okay, here goes. All day I'd been sampling one pear dish after another. Then I helped judge the dessert contest."

"Oh God I know what happened next." Jo said.

"Then, I was in the Popular Panem Pear Pie eating contest. It was tied and it went into extra slices. And while I was on the stage for the Princess Pear pageant I got sick." Jo put her hands over her mouth. "And you can guess what happened next."

Prim finished the story. "You should have seen it. Premium Popular Panem Pear pieces went flying across the stage and spattered all over the judges."

I just nodded my head. "Yup, that ended my Princess Pear Pageant."

* * *

><p>ding dong ... ding dong ... The Reverand Dalton answered the door. "Yes, may I help you?"<p>

"I'm Frank Everdeen from Twelfth Street. I think your dog has been digging up my yard."

"Are you sure?" My father showed him the plaster cast. The reverend examined the casting. "It is large enough to be Bosco's. Did he do any damage? I'll pay for it if he did."

"No, that's not necessary. If you could keep him leashed, I would appreciate it."

"I'll certainly try Mr. Everdeen. I will."

"Would it be possible to see Bosco so I can make sure it's him."

The reverend motioned for the three of them to come in. "He's right here. Just waiting for the fire department." Sitting on the stair landing was the most pathetic thing. The dog was lying down with his head stuck between two balusters.

"No, that's okay Reverend Dalton. I'm sure it's him. Thank you."

Reverend Dalton led the three of them out and wished them a pleasant day. "Probably got his head stuck chasing his shadow." Rory said.

"And that solves the case of the missing evening primrose bush." Peeta said.

My father started the car. "I don't know about you two but all this work has made me thirsty. I need a beer." His two sons-in-law high-fived. Well, at least they're spending time together. "Then pear beer it is!"

* * *

><p>Gale tried to lighten the mood as they drove away. "We're meeting everyone at seven tonight." Madge didn't respond to Gale. "I wonder where we're going to eat." Madge's face didn't move a muscle. "My dad said..."<p>

"How did you get me off?"

"I told the Chief you were on the rag."

"GALE! I'M GONNA ..."

* * *

><p>Prim opened up the bar. "I'm going to make a peartini, anybody else want?" Jo said she'd try one.<p>

"I'll have pond scum." I said.

Clove was mortified when I said that. "What the hell is that?"

"It's vodka and pear juice. It's very cloudy and looks like ... pond scum."

Jo took a sip. "Yum." Jo made the drink her's.

"My personal favorite is pear wine." My mom opened the fridge. "It comes in a giant box now." She put it on the counter.

"Now that's what I called a juice box." Jo said.

"Oh girls, the winery has started producing pear brandy. They have tastings on weekends."

"When you girls take Jo and Clove shopping stop by The Pearaphernalia. It's the perfect place for pear products. And say hi to Perry Pearson, he's the proprietor." Mom said.

"Oh, I just love their pear shampoo." Prim agreed with me. "And the pear scented candles are so relaxing."


	10. Chapter 9 A Day at the Con Part A

**A Day at the Con Part A**

I grabbed my honey and pulled him close. I loved how my heart pounded when I felt his flesh against mine. He pulled me closer.

Something jabbed me in the side. "Mrs. Mellark, you need to get up now!"

I brushed it off, but the poking continued. "Peeta, tell Glimmer to get out."

She rustled me again. "You need to get up now! And besides, Mr. Mellark has already left. He had a very early tee time."

She kept poking me. "If Peeta's not here, who was I hugging?" I looked over and saw the king size pillow. "Oh."

"You need to get up now."

I sat up and glared at Glimmer, but I aimed my rage at Peeta. "That bastard!"

"And you can get him back by getting up, showering, getting dressed, and leaving on time."

I loved Glimmer, but I hated when she tried to attach things that have nothing to do with each other. "That makes no fuckin' sense." I also knew it was no use arguing with the nanny when she gave me the look. I can't believe I looked like that when I gave Peeta the look. "Okay, okay! Don't get your panties in a bunch!"

Effie, Glimmer, Jo, Prim and I got in the mini-van. "How long is the ride?" I asked.

Effie programmed the GPS. "Let's see... Three and a half hours."

"Oh my God! Why do we have to go to Harrisburg Pennsylvania for this comic thingy? Don't they do them in New York?" I whined.

"They have comic cons all over the country Katniss dear. And this happens to be the next one." Effie said. "And besides, it's small. We can get our feet wet without much investment." Effie was so good at being in charge that she could organize cats. "I have the schedule all laid out for us." She handed out the schedule.

"But I don't understand..."

Effie whipped around and aimed those piercing green eyes directly at me. "You don't need to understand anything young lady. You're gonna be polite and sign autographs happily! Got it?"

I just nodded my head and sulked. "Young lady, we're only five years apart." I mumbled.

"You say something?"

I shook my head. "No ma'am."

I had lots of time to think about why we were here. My little sister wasn't here for the money. She made a very good living as a neurosurgeon and her husband did very well as a CPA. She was here for the fun of it. I always thought if she hadn't become a doctor she'd be a great salesperson. Growing up she'd just bat those baby blues and people would do anything for her, especially guys.

Effie was here because she got to be in charge. Being a photo editor at Vogue gave her lots of clout but it wasn't the same as being the boss. And it was her desire to be in charge that drove her to make this company a success. So I did what my BFF, best frenemy forever, wanted me to do.

Glimmer was young. I don't think she knew what she wanted to do with her B.A. in English yet. And working with Jo and Effie gave her some insight into the publishing industry. I knew she wanted more than just being a well endowed ex-stripper/nanny/housekeeper.

And the reason I was here was Jo. She has been my true BFF since we were college roommates. She always wanted to write, but the closest she had gotten was being an editor at Vogue. Working on other people's work was okay but not the same as creating your own work of art.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that Detective Ballbuster, nor Kit Kat Kop were works of art, but she did write them. And it is important that she writes whether it's the great American novel, titillating comics, or plain old crap.

"Are we there yet?" I asked.

"If you ask me again I'll turn this car around!" Effie screamed.

"OH MY GOD! YOU PROMISE!"

Jo nudged me. "Did you take your extra bitchy pills today?"

I knew Jo was right and I shouldn't take it out on Effie, but I just wasn't in a good mood. "I'm tired, grouchy ..."

* * *

><p>"Oh God! The weather is great."<p>

"This is the perfect day to finish the season."

"This will be the first time I get to use my new putter."

"FORE!"

* * *

><p>"...and jealous of those bastards!"<p>

"This is it? This place is a dump!" Prim was not used to staying in anything under four stars.

"Relax sis, we're only here today and tomorrow."

Prim took a deep breath and nodded her head. "That's right Kit-Kat. I have to keep my eye on the prize. Selling plastic crap to geeky nerds." With a renewed sense of purpose, Prim led the way to the ballroom.

"Come on ladies, let's set up." Effie looked at her clipboard and assigned us our jobs. "Prim, you'll be in charge of all the merchandise sales. Glimmer, Katniss, you'll sign books, posters and cards. Jo, you'll sign books."

"And you Effie?" I asked.

"I'm the president, I'll keep everything moving along."

A tall, bean pole of a man with a pink shirt that said _I'm the Boss_ appeared. "Effie! I'm so glad you guys made it." They hugged and gave each other those fake kisses where you don't actually touch each other.

"Astra, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Katniss, otherwise known as Detective Ballbuster. This is Glimmer, who is the model for her sidekick Jawbreaker. And here is our author Johanna. And this is Primrose, one of our investors."

While we were shaking hands with Astra a pair of workers came running up. "Astra, Astra, emergency!"

"What's wrong?"

"General Martok is having a problem with his laptop!"

"What's the problem?"

"One of the other Klingon's accidentally speared it with his Bat'leth."

"Ahhhhhh!" Astra and the others ran off.

"Okay, that was interesting. But we have work to do." Effie said. All I could think of was Peeta and the guys at the golf club.

* * *

><p>"After we finish I'm going to get a massage. Then a swim."<p>

"I have a chance to work with the pro on my short game."

"The steam room has my name on it."

"That all sounds great, but I think I'm just going find a nice place at the bar and watch the game."

* * *

><p>"Those bastards!"<p> 


	11. Chapter 10 A Day at the Con Part B

**A Day at the Con Part B**

"All right ladies. We're about to get started. Here are your tee-shirts." Effie handed out our Detective Ballbuster shirts.

"That's not fair. My cartoon character's boobs are twice my real size." I looked at Glimmer. "But your's and Jawbreaker's are the same size."

She smiled. "What can I tell you Mrs. Mellark, being a stripper and a female super hero require the same body measurements."

I took my station and my Sharpie. "Okay, here they come. Katniss," Effie paused and stared at me. "What's with the smile?"

"What are you talking about? You're always telling me to smile more!"

Effie rolled her eyes. "Katniss, I told you to read the character's background. Detective Ballbuster is surly. So this time you can just act like yourself."

* * *

><p>"So who are you supposed to be?" I asked.<p>

The very hairy guy said, "I'm Wolverine." And the blue girl said, "I'm Mystique."

"And who are they?"

Suddenly, the boys eyes went from cat slits to owl's eyes. "Wolverine is one of the main characters in X-Men! He is probably the most important..."

My eyes glazed over. "And who is Mistake young lady?"

"It's Mystique." The blue girl corrected me. "She's a shapeshifter."

"Oh, I could see that coming in handy." Jo said. "You could give yourself a boob job whenever you wanted a little more upstairs."

I nodded in agreement, but the clawed one and the blue chick didn't seem too interested in the possibilities shapeshifting could have for the cosmetic surgery industry. "Well, I guess I'll just sign these and you could go back to saving the world."

She corrected me again. "Mystique is a super villain."

I frowned. "That's too bad. You look much too cute to be a super villain."

"Um, Jawbreaker, um, er, can I ask you a question?" It's cute when boys lose their concentration trying to talk to Glimmer's cleavage. "I'm sure you'll be asked to play yourself in the Detective Ballbuster movie, but who do you think will play Ballbuster?" My pout was obvious. "Oh, I'm sorry, but, um, you are, kinda..."

The blue one spoke. "Too old and not sexy enough."

"Yeah, that. Maybe Scarlett Johansson?" He said.

"Megan Fox?" Mystique added.

"How 'bout Angelina Jolie?"

"Uma Thurman?"

"I got it! Jennifer Lawrence!" They slaped hands with excitement. Jo and I shook our heads.

"Detective Ballbuster is an action hero. I can't see Jennifer Lawrence in that part." Jo said.

I nodded in agreement. "She's a wonderful actress, I agree, but Detective Ballbuster. No way."

"Do you two even know who we're talking about?" Said the blue girl. The clawed one's jaw dropped.

"Sure we do, we've seen most of her movies. _Silver Linings Playbook_."

"_The Poker House_."

"_Winter's Bone_."

"And of course her latest triumph, _American Hustle_." We nod in agreement. "She was so funny. And I can't wait till _Serena_ comes out in the spring."

"Are you serious! What about _X-Men_!"

"_Hunger Games_!"

"_Catching Fire_! She played Katniss for God's sake."

Jo nudged me. "That's so funny. She has the same name as you." We both giggled. They threw up their hands and stormed off. "I don't think they were too happy Kat." I shrugged. "This is why I don't want kids." Jo said.

"I'm not looking forward to Lily's teenage years. Not at all!" I added.

* * *

><p>"Hmmmm, I can't tell what kind of powers Detective Ballbuster has. Does she fly?" The fan-boy asked.<p>

"No." I said.

"Does she have invisibility?"

"No."

"Super strength?"

"No."

"Well, what does she do?"

"She kicks bad guys in the balls."

* * *

><p>"On page twenty-five, the villain Lunkhead, has the knife in his left hand, thereby setting him up as a lefthander, but, on page seventy-two he has the knife in his right hand. Is he ambidextrous or is there a look alike villain?"<p>

I was a little confused by the question and I needed clarification. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

The two fan-boys hoped up and down and high-fived. "Oh shit! She sounds just how I thought she would!"

Glimmer took my arm and squeezed it. "I can't believe you two caught that." She motioned them closer and whispered. "I really need you two to keep what you saw secret. I can't go into it, but it is important."

They pulled away. "You can count on us Jawbreaker."

"That was good Glimmer."

"Just making them part of the team."

* * *

><p>"Can I see the Ballbuster figure." A man in a Batman tee shirt, that was too small to fit over his belly, asked.<p>

Prim handed him the doll. "Here, press the back."

He pressed the back of the doll and it lifted its leg and said, "Take that sucka!"

He shook his head. "Very nice, very nice. They'll sell well. I want to put together an assortment of fifty."

Effie bolted over when she heard that. She spotted his name badge. "Richie, if you make it a gross we can talk about an assortment of signed pieces at no extra cost." They walked off to talk.

"Better get going Katniss, you have a lot signing to do." Prim said.

* * *

><p>Glimmer came back from her break. She had changed from her tee-shirt to a tank top. "When did we turn the comic con into a Hooters?" I asked.<p>

Prim leaned over. "I had her do it. We can double how many posters we sell, look at the line."

I looked up and saw the line going around the corner. "Good move Prim."

* * *

><p>"Can I see the night stick?"<p>

Prim handed the baton to the customer. "It's a limited edition. It's also signed and numbered." The man was very impressed and bought it.

"Prim, where did you get that?" I asked.

"Some catalog that sells police equipment. I had it engraved with the Detective Ballbuster logo and I forged your signature. Pretty smart, eh?"

* * *

><p>A girl, on crutches, came up, "Hi honey, what happened to your leg?" Her broad smile made me think she treated her injury like a war wound. Like she was proud by how she injured it.<p>

"I used your patented throw kick. I lost my balance and fell down the stairs. Detective, you're my hero. I want to be just like you. I read your blog every week." She said.

I turned to Joe and mouthed, "I have a blog?"

Joe responded, "I'll tell you about it later."

I was mortified thinking it about the young girl. "Listen sweetie. I don't think a morally ambivalent, spandex wearing, boob enhanced, high kicking, vigilante is a good roll model."

She cocked her head. "I meant you Detective Mellark. I want to be a police officer. I enter college in the fall. My degree is going to be criminal justice or psychology. I already have the date for the state police exam and the county sheriff's test."

I walked around the table. "Here, let me sign your cast."

Her smile could have blinded those in the room. "Thanks Detective."

"Call me Kat. And here's my card with my e-mail address." I sat down. "Are you crying?" Jo asked me.

"Detective Ballbuster doesn't cry."

"No, but Kit-Kat-Kop does." She pushed my rolling chair to the other end of the booth. "Don't come back till you toughen up."

* * *

><p>"Jo, I can't believe you wrote this! Listen to this. 'Well Jawbreaker, it looks like we solved another case by meting out our own brand of justice!' I mean, really!"<p>

"Listen Kit-Kat, the fans don't care about the dialogue. They care that the characters have big chests and that they kick ass."

"I'm surprised you didn't put machine guns in her boobs."

Jo thought about that for a second. "Um, boob guns. Maybe, just maybe."

* * *

><p>"My wrist hurts." Jo said.<p>

"My ass hurts. Prim, how about you?" I asked.

She stared at her hand. "I broke a nail counting all the money."

Sometimes I wonder what was going on in that itty bitty mind of hers. "Prim, you make a lot of money already."

"I know. But it's nice to handle cash. It's like a connection to the common folk."

Effie walked over. "Did you all have fun?" We were tired, but we did have fun. "Good, because we have to be up at eight and do it again tomorrow."

"Oh crap. We have another day of this. FUCK!" I said.

"I see you brought your bitchy pills with you Kat." Jo added.

* * *

><p>"Man, that massage fixed the kink in my back."<p>

"That pro really straightened out my swing."

"I am so relaxed after that steam."

"That steak was this thick. Man-o-man, it was great. And I am so ready for another round tomorrow."

* * *

><p>"Those bastards!"<p> 


	12. Chapter 12 Prim vs the Dog Part Une

**Prim vs. The Dog**

**Part I**

They sat on the couch with their eyes locked. "Don't look at me like that!" He didn't move. "I don't like him. I want him out now!" She turned away then looked back. "STOP STARING AT ME!" Prim shifted further down the couch. "He's vicious!" He leaned over to smell her. "OH GOD! HE'S ATTACKING ME!" She got up and ran to the bathroom. "I'm not coming out till you get rid of that monster!"

Rory petted his head. "Don't worry boy. She'll come around." He pushed his snout under Rory's hand for more petting. "Prim, come on out. He's friendly. You'll see." The dog turned out to be more demanding than he had expected. "What's wrong boy, you want me to pet your head?" Rory scratched his head.

"I'm not coming out until you get rid of that vicious beast!" Rory walked away from the bathroom door and the dog followed.

"Come on, let's eat." Rory poured dog food into the bowl and a bowl of cereal for himself. "Looks like it's just me and you tonight." The dog looked up and cocked his head. "Yeah, I heard her come out of the bathroom too." Rory went back to his cereal and the dog went back to his bowl.

"I told you to get rid of it!" The door slammed _...click ...click ...click_ "I get the feeling we'll be sleeping on the sofa tonight." The dog put his head on Rory's lap.

Rory made his bed for the night. He crawled under the comforter. It's a rare night that he and Prim didn't spend together, but he knew when Prim locked the door there was no arguing with her. The dog curled up at his feet. "You're really a mutt. Aren't you?" The dog was a dirty gray and black mix. He had one blue eye and one green. His right ear stood straight up and the other flopped over. His head shot up when he heard the bedroom door open. The footsteps shuffled along. She peeked around the corner.

The dog yawned. "Don't growl at me!" She scowled at the dog. The dog got off the couch, stretched and walked towards her. _...click ...click ...click_

"What was that?" He looked at the dog. "Did Prim come out?" The dog pushed his snout under Rory's hand. "I thought so."

* * *

><p>Rory got up when the dog dropped his leash in his lap. "Time for a walk." Rory left the apartment with the dog.<p>

"Hello?" Prim opened the bedroom door. "Rory?" She inched her way down the hallway. "Are you here?" Prim walked into the kitchen confident that she was now safe from the beast that her beloved had unleashed upon her. She took the opportunity to make herself something to eat and drink.

The door opened. "Hey, look who's up." Rory said.

The dog jogged over to Prim. "OH CHRIST! IT'S ATTACKING!" She jumped up and sat on the counter. "RORY! IF YOU DON'T GET RID OF THAT BEAST... I'LL ... I'LL ..."

Rory pulled the dog back and Prim jumped down and ran away. "She can't stay holed up in there forever. Let's watch the ball game." The dog put his head on Rory's lap.

"This is just what I need. A nice relaxing hot shower." Prim let the warm water flow over her body. She could feel her blood pressure dropping... "AHHHHHHHHH!" She jumped out of the shower, ran out and closed the bathroom door. "I TRAPPED IT IN THE BATHROOM!" She was jumping up and down pointing at the bathroom.

"What do you mean trapped it?"

She glared at Rory. "THAT MAN-EATING WOLF YOU BROUGHT INTO OUR LIVES!"

Rory continued to make his sandwich. "I don't think he's ever actually eaten a man before." Rory looked at the dog that appeared from the hallway. "Hey boy, want a piece of cheese?"

"WE'LL NEVER BE SAFE! HE CAN OPEN DOORS BY HIMSELF!" Prim screamed as she ran out of the apartment.

"You didn't open it, did you?" The dog cocked his head. "I thought not. The lock is broken." ...ring ...ring ...ring "Hello Mrs. Gibbons."

"I just saw your wife running down the stairs naked again. Do you want me to lead her home."

"No thank you Mrs. Gibbons. She'll come back when she's ready. And besides, Mr. Gibbons had that episode last time he saw Prim naked."

"That's right. Well, if you think she'll be okay. Bye." Their neighbor hung up the phone and Rory ate his lunch.

* * *

><p>Prim opened her bedroom door just a fraction of an inch. "Now where are you?" She didn't see the dog so she opened it a little bit more. "Um. Now where could you be?" She opened the door and crept out. She was wearing three pairs of pants, a sweatshirt, and a winter parker. Even if the dog bit her, she would be protected by the layers of clothing. "Where could you be hiding?" ...sniff ...sniff ...sniff Prim started to shake. She slowly turned her head and looked down. He cocked his head and sniffed her lrg. She opened the closet door and jumped in it. "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!"<p>

She pulled out her cell phone and dialed. "Damn voice mail. Uh um. Uh um. Uh um. RORYGETHOMENOWHE'SGOTMETRAPPEDINTHEHALLCLOSET!" She dialed again. "Dammit, doesn't anybody pick up their phone. KATIT'SPRIMIT'SANEMERGENCYI'MTRAPPEDINMYCLOSETBYAVICIOUSDOGHELPMEPLE... beep What the... damn battery."Prim sat on the floor and waited for help to arrive. "Oh crap, I gotta pee."

* * *

><p>"Yeah, I know mom, I know that ... I'll call you back in a minute, your second born is calling me... Hi Prim. She left a voicemail." "KATIT'SPRIMIT'SANEMERGENCYI'MTRAPPEDINMYCLOSETBYAVICIOUSDOGHELPMEPLE..."<p>

"What the hell was that?" Gale asked.

"I don't know. Something about a vicious dog and being trapped in her closet. Start out to her apartment. I'll call for ESU backup." Gale sped up and hit the lights and siren.

* * *

><p>Two ESU cops met us. One held a pole and collar and the other had a tranquilizer gun. "Thanks guys. All I know is she's trapped in a closet with the dog in the apartment."<p>

"Are you ready?" None of them moved. "Well?" Still nothing. "Why aren't you guys moving in?" They both looked at each other.

"Well... um... You see..."

I stared in disbelief. "I can't believe you two are scared. You've confronted some heavily armed suspects, but you're telling me you're afraid of a little dog?"

"Well, we understand men, we can predict what they're going to do. Dogs on the other hand ..."

My jaw dropped. "Gimmie the dart gun! I'll go first!


	13. Chapter 13 Prim vs The Dog Part Deux

**Prim vs. The Dog Part II**

"I got something over here." The dog cocked his head when Gale spoke, then sniffed his leg. "I got a dog, but he can't be the problem."

The officers checked the apartment. "All clear."

I shook my head and looked for Prim. "Thanks guys. We'll take care of this from here."

Gale petted the dog. ...ring ...ring ...ring "Hey Rory, where are you? ... Yeah, I know you got a dog ... Oh, you're getting the license ... You should hear what your girlfriend did ... I know you're married. Don't remind me."

I heard a whimper from the closet. "Prim?" ...knock ...knock ...knock. I opened the door and my beet red, drenched in sweat sister met me sister sitting on the floor. "What is wrong with you?" She had trouble standing and I helped her stand.

"Where is it?" She asked.

"The dog?"

She looked up and down the hallway. "Yes the dog! What do you think I'm looking for?"

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Prim, the dog is in the livin... "

She grabbed my arm, "OH MY GOD!" She dragged me into the closet and closed the door. "IT'S STILL HERE? WHY!"

"Prim, let's get out of this closet now!" I reached down for the doorknob. "Prim, where's the doorknob?"

"There isn't one." Could this day get any weirder?

I smacked on the door. "GALE!"

Prim grabbed my hand. "No Katniss, he'll hear you and come after us."

I slapped her hand out-of-the-way and took out my cell phone. "Hey Gale. We're locked in the closet. Let us out."

Gale opened the door. "Thanks Gale." Prim saw the dog. She pushed me back into the closet. "PRIM!" _Pffffffffft_ "Shit!"

Gale opened the door. "What the hell is going on in here?"

"The dart gun went off and she got hit in the leg. Call for a bus." I stared down at my sister. She seemed so peaceful lying there. The dog walked in and licked her face. "Good doggie."

* * *

><p>Prim pulled into her parking space. She spent the day with me and friends. Nothing can rejuvenate a woman like a day at the range blowing away man-shaped targets. She opened the car door and started to get out. "AHHHHHHHHH!" The dog jumped over her before she got out, it sat on the passenger seat and put its front paws on Prim's lap. "OH MY GOD, I'M TRAPPED!" Prim froze in her seat; she grabbed the steering wheel and dug her nails into it. "What... am... I... gonna... do...?" The dog moved in closer because he couldn't hear her. "Get away, get away, get away, get away..." Prim had an idea. She'd call Rory on her cell phone. She removed the phone from her bag. The dog seemed tired watching Prim so it lay down on her lap. She brought the phone up to dial it when... she dropped it on the floor. "Oh ... God ..." The dog looked at the cell phone and reached down. Prim didn't just freeze, she played dead. The dog picked up the cell phone and dropped it in her lap. Then he lay his head on her lap. Prim didn't move a muscle.<p>

...knock ...knock ...knock "Hey Prim. What are you doing in there?" Rory asked.

She inched her finger to the window button and lowered it. "Your... dog... won't... let... me... leave."

Rory looked at the dog. "That's not my dog."

Prim widened her eyes. "Yes... it... is."

Rory shook his head. "Nope, this is my dog." Rory's dog stood up and put his front paws on the door and looked at Prim. "I don't know whose dog that is." Rory opened the door and Prim bolted out of the car.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" And ran into the building.

* * *

><p>Rory came home from a long day on the golf course. "Hi Prim, I'm home."<p>

"Hi, did you have a good match?" Prim asked.

"It's called a round."

"Whatever." Prim lay on the couch with one of the dogs next to her. They watched Real Housewives and feed each other biscuits.

"I see you and the dogs are getting along."

"Don't be silly, I love the dogs." She let the dog lick her face.

"Where's my dog?" Rory asked.

"He's in the kitchen waxing the floor."

Rory looked in the kitchen and saw his dog with a kitchen towel wrapped around each foot sliding around the kitchen floor. He looked up at Rory with eyes that said, "Just kill me now and put me out of my misery."

"I know boy, but we all have to chip in."

"Hey Rory, the toilet bowl needs cleaning." Prim bellowed.

"Yes dear," Rory looked back at the dog, "see what I mean."

Prim watched Rory leave the room and turned to her dog, "And that's how you run a household. Another biscuit?"

"BARK!"

* * *

><p>"See, walking the dogs isn't so bad, is it?" Rory said.<p>

"Yes it is Rory. Our time could be better spent doing anything else but walking these mutts." Prim walked ahead and looked like she sucked on a lemon.

"Can I pet the doggies?" A little girl asked Prim.

"Yes, they are both very friendly," A smiling bi-polar Prim said. "I'm not sure what kind they are, but we found both, oh I should say they found us, on the street. We're bringing them to the park for a run. I can throw the Frisbee and they can catch it in mid-air. And they are so smart. They can roll over, beg and even open doors all by themselves."

The little girl sat on the grass and petted the dog. "What's their names?"

"This is Mrs. Dog and that is Mr. Dog."

The little girl looked confused. "They're married?"

Prim's smile had a sense of pride in it. "Yup. We had a little ceremony and all."

Rory bent over and whispered to Mr. Dog. "I agree. I felt silly in my tux also."

The little girl's mother walked over. "That's so funny. Who officiated?"

"We had a ship's captain do it." Rory's friend, who moored his small sailboat at the 79th Street boat basin, married them. "She had a white veil and he wore a tuxedo." The woman and the girl had a good laugh. Prim whipped out her phone. "Here are the wedding photos." She flipped through the photos. "And their wedding video is on YouTube."


End file.
